Yesterday morning, I tapped out the first of many almost-identical texts I’ll be firing off over the next few weeks: “So sorry, I’m going to have to cancel tonight...”, adding “full of cold” (a seasonal favourite) and an extra “sorry again!” for good measure, before hitting send and heaving a huge sigh of relief.
I’d been due to meet an old friend for some early Christmas drinks but, frankly, was fit for nothing but hitting the sofa and trying to stay awake through a catch-up of Sunday’s episode of The Bridge.
Poor form, I know, but with everyone’s diaries already over-stuffed with four weeks’ of logistical nightmares (I mean, fun festive events) I’m sure I’m not the only Christmas flake thinking “something’s got to give” if there’s any hope in hell I’ll still be standing by the 25th.In fact, new research last week uncovered something I’ve long suspected: we have become a ‘cancellation nation’. According to the study of 2,000 people by Mentos sweets, Brits make an average of 104 social engagements a year, yet only turn up to half of them.
That figure is surely set to go through the roof, with today heralding the start of both the pre-Christmas party frenzy and the annual outbreak of Obsessive Cancelling Disorder in even the most well-mannered of people.“It’s almost expected, as everyone’s so busy at this time of year,” says Marie-Hélène Ferguson, principal at the London School of Etiquette. “Hence the race to get invitations out in early October.”
Mostly, we accept with the best of intentions – loving the idea of meeting up for something mulled with our uni friends, before realising that if we go to everything we’ve said “yes” to, we won’t have another night in until Christmas Day itself.
Saying that, the research shows the rudest one in three of us say "yes" now, in full knowledge we’re going to pull out later. Take one old colleague, who shall remain nameless, but routinely accepts every drink invite going, then jokingly decides who she has to “cancel on” that day. Another pointedly writes every Christmas engagement in her diary in pencil, so she can easily rub them out as and when a ‘better’ invitation is extended.
“Hedging your bets is the height of bad manners,” says Marie-Hélène. “Strictly speaking, one should always go ‘first come, first served’.”
Is there any way such bad manners could be coming from a good place? “The social pressure to attend an engagement - especially if the invitation comes face-to-face or over the phone - is very high,” says clinical psychologist Dr Claire Halsey. “The person is in front of you making a social gesture and actually saying to them “I don’t want to go” or “It’s not convenient” is really tough. Also, people have a natural desire to be sociable, so when someone invites you, you take the optimistic stance, thinking it will be fun. It's only when we weigh it up in our minds later against all the other competing demands on our time - work, personal lives - that we feel compelled to cancel.”
Marie-Hélène Ferguson works on the basis that 50 per cent of people who accept invitations won’t attend; but says just because cancelling is becoming more common, doesn’t make it any more acceptable. “If you’ve been invited to an event it’s a huge compliment,” she says. “You might think, ‘I won’t be missed,’ but if you think that half of the other guests won’t turn up either, it’s actually quite offensive.”
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